Day 29: It took way longer than I expected. But sometimes it just does, right? I am beginning to learn that I need to tone down my self-loathing.Like today, I realized, I could have walked over to the coffee shop for writing, or made some yummy mutton, and messaged Shaunak years ago instead of writing this post now. But I’ve only just started learning how to share what I feel in the moment. And pass on harsh messages or nice ones, when I should. I can’t go back in time and change anything, I can only say what I feel now.
Very few people that I knew in my early 20s were adults. I mean, we were all struggling in our own ways. Some more evolved than others. I was perhaps the slowest to come to terms with myself and my social awkwardness, which continues to haunt me. But now I don’t blame circumstances, friends or bad choices on my part. I believe many people around me did not have harsh childhoods like I did and that made a difference and it doesn’t matter now. I’ve only recently learned how to draw boundaries and keep out the toxicity from my life. Life is hard enough and I have no time or patience for relationships that suck out every single joyous impulse out of me.
It seems so intuitive, but I think I was the person who had become used to ugly behavior, as if in some way I deserved it. Few friends made me feel otherwise and passed on the harsh messages whenever I was wavering. Of course, like all adults, I struggled to find my own path eventually. Sometimes I ignored his comments, sometimes I vehemently disagreed but I’m am absolutely amazed (still) by how observant Shaunak was. And also how kind to tell me everything that I did wrong, especially when I was running around like a child refusing to confront anything.
I wanted to acknowledge that, because the more I work with my own Startup and life, I realize, how important it is to confront and be that person who sometimes passes on messages which aren’t pretty. It’s not easy, comfortable or pleasant. It’s like putting yourself into hot coffee. But it’s exactly what’s needed. Eventually, I get it and I can’t not think of Shaunak when I have that realization.
How could I write a gratitude project, if I didn’t include the one guy who fought with me a thousand times and gave me Keats?