I don’t think about writing much at all these days, especially since writing involves deadlines now. My friend once told me how he has nothing to write because he says it all. It started as an experiment with me. I wanted to stop writing emails to be able to talk better. And be able to express well. I tried sufficiently. [Additionally I cut off all channels of unwieldy communication, my Facebook for instance only has people who don’t bother me]. Two things happened. My in-person communication did improve- but that probably was more a natural progression than anything else. I also became a lot more silent.
At 17, I told my then roommate that I found that her silence was corrupt. While she silently saw the truth through my exaggerations. I believed, people who do not talk are being dishonest by not sharing what they feel clearly. At work also. My first meeting with a colleague often meant saying- let me know what you feel I will not assume. I’d often tell others how I don’t like quietness which later often meant resentment and piled-up emotions.
I just don’t think so cynically about silence now. I hear more. And I enjoy it. Sitting in a white car, zoning out of the music that I don’t know. I think of different things. Home, myself, things I enjoy, moving moments. I feel a certain sense of control over my small enjoyable moments. Some that I am so smug and happy with, that sharing them is pointless. They even make me cry and just don’t mean anything to anyone else. I look outside the window and see the clouds. I look at photographs which make me feel loved. At postcards on my wall that remind me of strange conversations. I even remember being in some of those. I feel lost in thought and I intently try to make the creases on the forehead smoother. I try to look to remember every detail that I don’t have enough camera pixels for. Often, I wait for one sip of sparkling water in the dead of the night while I curl back into sleep, quietly. I internalise my love and nourish my happiness from within. There wasn’t anything to talk about. I feel a sense of release.