The First Six Months: of Anonymity

The first time I wrote digitally, a decade ago, my heart felt a little less heavy, dishing out what I felt about a boy I should’ve never looked at. Some people are just jerks to you. I could share without having to be diplomatic. Though, to be fair, I was, holding back, behind poor man’s metaphors. Through time, even without using names (of others) but talking about feelings in general, I offended some people, destroyed others. By and by I became wary of it. I grew up to become more aware of what I was saying. Old posts embarrassed me. I moved towards writing about things that interested me. Less me.

And then I took this break. A chain smoker gives up looking at the cigarette break. I’d make fun of anonymity in younger days. What could it mean? Lack of courage to own up your Meinung? Then, I embraced it. (Warning: I’m learning Deutsch) 

A friend of mine, let’s say we christen him A (for apple, aggressive, anonymous…) was tough talking to me a couple days back. I was thinking about exotic words to win that Scrabble game. He was continuing. He said how his girl-friend could eat me up, effectively because, I showed up as this naive, nice person, without a backbone. (Like the anonymous, I felt). I justified. And then buried it all in a very big Panda Chinese meal laced with Apple and Honey towards the end. (notice how my nouns are beginning to get Capitalised now, I’m going to be this Deutsch writer soon). 

It didn’t go away. My father often irritates me by asking some really obtuse (to me) questions at times. And I promptly shift conversation to mother. Once on such an incident, I just didn’t react. Normally, in recent Angry girl days I was known to break doors and violently shout, curse at home. And my parents are used to such over expression. I’m not necessarily proud of it, but I felt expressing it outwards made me feel better. And without feeling good, I couldn’t have made anyone else happy. Mother marked the lack of reaction hence. I said, without much feeling, that I didn’t want to use my energy to fight. Mother felt she had won. And happily said, I had finally become a “good” girl.

Standing outside operation theatres two years in a row and not knowing what is happening inside, letting it all go because you can’t control anything, alters a few aspects. I became superstitious to sit. So I walked for five hours between the two stairs the news would potentially come from, thinking that would be better for father. The cells couldn’t have crossed the border. The doctor would be efficient. It would be fine. And then nothing. I remember the emptiness that came out of tired thoughts. I didn’t want to think any longer. I wanted to chant Shiva’s mantra to enable me to stop thinking. I didn’t want to concentrate on fights or others. I didn’t want to expend energy. I needed it all inside, to walk between the stairs.

I wanted to tell A, there’s a saying in our parts, some people are so smart that they can sell someone else for peanuts. I could do that to his girl-friend. Like at work. When I am aggressively efficient. But I knew I wouldn’t. Either say or do anything. Because in my head nice takes strength. I just don’t care about some fights, most people, unless I’m deeply interested. That doesn’t make me a recluse. Just someone who needs depth in interest. I just don’t have the extra energy to waste. Sometimes I look at a person and think “I don’t want to invest”. It happens often.

I don’t care if there’s lack of courage in anonymity. I value the honesty that comes along more. I’ve not stopped fighting, but I choose now. I’m too bored to be diplomatic and think of metaphors. Yet, I choose to and Don’t Share Everything. I come here to express and open up and let go. To create newness like the The First Six Months. Weil, I can’t control the rest of my life. I’d like to make chunks of six months, special.

6 comments
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  3. I get it now. I really do. Anonymity makes sense. A decade ago when people didn’t come trolling into our spaces we could be brave with your names but today even the stupidest person knows how to stalk you without reason, anonymity makes all the sense in the world.

    I love that quote which ‘nightflier’ has written above. It is so true. I am at the same place as you guys with my attitude towards fights. With some people I do not wish to invest, but in some scenarios I want to be a ferocious fighter.

    P.S. It is so good to read your words. So good to be connected back with you! (:

  4. There is a quote by Va Pu Kale on the lines of ‘the more personal you write the more universal it becomes’. That is why I always have this bias for sharing stuff through writing. I am very very wary of how written words may hurt howmuchever I try not to make it personal. But I do understand anonymity now. I got rid of (trying to) my earlier template for that reason.

    I did a post about fights and fighting in the past. I thought I was going to stop caring too and choose my fights wisely, because at the end of it things are too draining. But (it may sound over the top) after recent events in our country there’s an outward change in me. I want to fight. Against stupidity, injustice, moronic-ness. A wise shrink told me once ‘You care too much. that’s good and bad. Just make sure your software is good’ 2013 is about writing good software now 🙂

    P.S. I have missed commenting so much that I wrote this long winded comment 😛

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